As I write this, I’m enjoying a cup of coffee in my favorite chair in my living room. It’s still a bit dark and I’ve already taken the dog out and fed her, so she’s laying quietly at near my feet. In the background I hear my boys (mostly) getting along. The older one is reading to the younger one, from time to time the younger one interjects and frustrates the older one, causing a mini-argument.
I remember long ago, it seems, how much I used to love Saturday mornings. The quiet. The time to be in my thoughts, read, plan for the upcoming week, figure out which friends I’d hang out with during the weekend. Now, we juggle work, oil changes, kid play dates, and overall, planning kid-stuff seems to trump planning adult stuff. I’m OK with it, it’s fun and it’s an exciting time in our lives. Our boys are young enough to still love us, not be annoyed by the silly things we do, and they look forward to everything. Whether it is going out to our local kid-friendly-until-8pm-bar for dinner, or planning a trip out of town for a weekend, it’s all met with excitement. As I reflect, I know that excitement is something that I can use a bit more of. Instead of just doing, being excited that I get to do.
Those reminders of excitement bring me to gratefulness. In many blogs I read, I am met with reminders of being grateful. Even with the busy weekend I’m beginning to impart, I’m grateful that I get to have a busy weekend. I know that the time with by boys in this time and space will be fleeting, just like the first 8 years have been. I’ve taken a leap. For the past couple of years I’ve had a part-time job. This part-time job hasn’t amounted to a lot in terms of income, as I average 10 hours a week, but I always looked at it as my “outlet.” It helped my boys become closer to their father. It allowed me to feel closer to an industry that I’m slowly becoming disconnected. Earlier this week I was met with tears when my oldest son realized that I wouldn’t be home that evening until after his bedtime. I then realized it was time. My “fun” part-time job was starting to make me feel stretched. Stretched between home and something else. Stretched between enjoyment and resentment. So, I put in my notice.
My husband and I talked about re-jiggering our budget so we stay on track for our goals. We will miss the extra little paycheck, but I don’t know that it was enough for the stress being away has started to provide. I find myself giving up volunteer efforts because of my “fun” part-time job, adding up all of the time away from home. I want to show my children the joy of giving back and being part of a community. However, lately when those opportunities have come up, I’ve been so tired (did I mention that I have a very busy full-time job, too?) that I’ve passed on them.
So, in my reflection this Saturday morning. I’m breathing. Knowing I’m doing the right thing. That feeling guilty because I’m leaving a store when it is already short-staffed is OK for my own sanity. That time is more valuable than money. And, that everything works out in the end. <3 Bobbi